ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
