thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Don't tell me you're on acid again
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
