he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
