I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
