Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
