I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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