There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
