Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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