I feel like I'm in dance class right now
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
