I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
