Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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