I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
