walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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