I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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