So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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