Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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