One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
my being single is dangerous.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
