im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
