I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
