I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
