dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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