If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
