Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
