2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
