My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Randomize
