can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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