Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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