i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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