Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
