Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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