So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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