I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My Sexting was not on an AP level
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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