She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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