So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
