is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
