there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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