someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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