i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
