Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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