Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Is that strawberry winking at me??
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
