hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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