how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
