On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
All I want is dick and wine.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
