When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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