I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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