doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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