you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
