im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
