Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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