the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
