pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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