i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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