Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
