I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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