A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
