Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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