Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
